Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Overcoming the "I'm too fat for this."

I have not been posting lately due to many reasons, I'm back in school, I'm working full time again and I've been stuck in a depressive cycle in which I overeat, condemn myself for being a glutton tell myself I'll never amount to anything and then overeat again to make myself feel better. Wow, that sound really crazy when I say it like that. But so many women I know have told me the go through exactly the same thing. We lie awake at night thinking about all the terrible things we did to our bodies that day. I had McDonalds and Taco Bell all in the same day; word to the wise don't do this.

Tomorrow I have to go out networking, normally this is a chance for me to increase our connections or strengthen ones we already have and hopefully broker us more deals in the process but really it's about relationship building and frankly I've been pretty terrible at it lately. Why has my performance decreased so drastically? Because I don't think I deserve to be there, I feel like every time my spare tire jiggles it's just one of the myraid of reasons someone has to not take me seriously. I used to feel like a Boss, now I just feel like a bloated oompa loompa. How do I get back to me? How do I get back to believe that Yes! Indeed I can! or as my people say Si Se Puede! I'm not actually sure how you get back there, I guess recognizing that I was there is a start.

This how I imagine the other person in a business meeting thinking:
"I thought she was trying to lose weight, well if she did if found her again. OMG those pants don't hide that gut at all. Why would she ever wear pinstripes being that big? That dress make her look like a beached whale."

This is what I imagine is the other persons internal dialogue, now I understand this is a very narcissistic view of their thoughts because most likely they are thinking about the hundred things they have to do or about what they want for lunch and not about my beached whale pants but still I tell myself what if that is what they are thinking. Do people not take me seriously because of my size? The cold hard truth is yes, there are some people who because of social conditioning believe that heavier people have no self control, are lazy and won't be as effective as a fit person. This is categorically false but it's why they have internalized as truth, everyone has handicap or a flaw, intimacy issues, addictions mine just happens to be very visible.

So here is my plan, tomorrow I'm going to get up early shower and make sure that I do my hair in the most fabulous way and that my make up is perfect; this won't actually help me or the other person I'm speaking to in any measurable way but I will feel better knowing that I've done every single thing to make sure I'm playing the part of the successful business woman even if for now it's just a dress rehearsal.
Good Night Lovlies
CGINTW