Last night, an episode of The Biggest Loser really got to me, one of the women on the show talked about her food addiction and how her little girl was 70 pounds overweight. I cried when I saw the pain in her face, the palpable guilt was visible in her stature she stood like the weight of the world was on her shoulders and for good reason. It's one thing to be unhealthy it's something completely different to allow your children to continue the cycle but they will if you don't change something and I would know. I come from a generations long line of women who struggle with their weight, almost every single family member I have is a diabetic, myself included.
My family didn't set out to be unhealthy, they actually have tried for years to turn the corner and many of them have on an individual level and the journey isn't quite over yet for many, like my mother who is the best mom in the world and she has always struggled with her weight. She didn't actually have time to go on a diet before having me, I came as a total surprise! The doctors didn't even believe her when she knew was pregnant, they kept telling her she just had gas! (She still tells me I'm full of hot air)
I know that is she could plan it out, no surprises this time she would have done everything in her power to make sure we was healthy and ready for me, this I have no doubt of. It's her amazing example of a loving, nurturing and fiercely protective maternal figure that helped me through all the amazingly hard times with my weight. I have always struggled with my weight, there is not a time in my life when I have been at a healthy BMI for my height, I don't actually know what it's like to be healthy, it's a foreign concept to me.
Skinny was for other people not me, every time I would try to lose weight I would fail, the failure made me feel bad the only thing that made me feel good was food, I gained more weight. This viciousness has perpetuated itself on my family for too long. So I made a decision last night; I will not be a mother before I get to a healthy weight and have established a history of exercise and eating right for a least a year before getting pregnant.
I always told myself that I would not have children before I could afford them, soon I will have reached the financial wonderland of professionalism and homeownership in a few years. I always believed buying a home was the financial signal that it was okay to have children, however what about your body's signal? I thought long and hard about it, there was no way I would pass on my bad habits to my son or daughter, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to them because I couldn't make a commitment to myself to get healthy.
Because I've had such an amazing mother, who set the bar particularly high, I want to be the best one possible as well. I'm already in love with my children and they aren't even coming yet! Walking on the treadmill has a new meaning for me now, every step is one step closer to starting my new family, with new habits, new futures and a bright outlook, I can't wait until I start running toward them.