I have not posted since January 16th for many reasons but today I realized I had left an entire community which I loved being a part of. I honestly didn't think anyone read my blog and today I looked at the stats just out of curiosity and 708 hits this month alone, I am in awe of all of you, I have broken promises, missed deadlines and not delievered the goods and many of you have tried to reach out, to those who did I'm sorry I was away and your words meant the world to me though you didn't know it at the time I was and am still going through a pretty tough time.
I've always viewed our community as inclusive some people describe it as "Fatshion" but I don't see most bloggers/models who are seriously unhealthy, we just live a world that calls size 4 cheerleaders "chunky", that being said there are serious health consequences with being grossly overweight as I am. I'm going to divulge a lot here and there won't be any glossy glamorous pics (those will come later, I have a plan.) Today is just about being honest with myself and with you. So here it goes.
My Name is Stefanie Marie Gomez and I am a compulsive over eater, I eat when I'm sad, bored, lonely or when things aren't going my way. I'm five feet tall and weigh 314 pounds, I've lost my first 20 pounds over 10 times in my life and gone right back, I feel like complete failure in life, in dieting and I feel as if the man who has chosen to spend his life with me has sentenced himself to a life of unhappiness. I feel as though there is no way anyone could find me beautiful let alone sexually attractive because when I look in the mirror I see failure, failed will power, a hopelessly flawed body and I've never felt any other way, I hate looking in the mirror because I will be reminded of the gross thing that is reflected in the mirror and to the world.
I have been in denial for too long, to me the me that thinks and feels that woman in the mirror is someone else, she deserves ridicule and punishment for not getting her act together, so I beat her up mentally and with food. I eat in secret at times just so people won't know how much I'm actually consuming because if they knew that Taco Bell order was just for me they'd be horrified. Every time I try and fail it reinforces my idea that I'm just not meant to be healthy, which I know is just a cop out.
The problem is I really don't like that girl in the mirror, in fact I hate her. I wish I could make her go away and never come back, but every time I get on the right track I think I freak out and backslide because a part of me thinks that she is who I really am, that I really am a complete failure and will never amount to anything. In my head until I'm thin and beautiful none of my accomplishments will mean anything which I know is so bewilderingly unhealthy magical thinking. So I've decided that from now on, this is the one place I can be honest with myself, I'm going to add a small journal page where I just come and vent about the day, I encourage any of you going through this same process to comment, share and support me and each other through this tough process.
How am I going to deal with this? Why dressing up and putting on pretty make up of course, sound trivial? Scientists believe that makeup can give you a small boost of confidence when wearing it, so I'm going to put that to the test. I'm going to do a glamour shoot in our newly refurnished bedroom (yeah!) and put the pics up by next Friday. Want to send in your most glamorous pics? We will share them and we can let the healing start.
To all my lovlies,