I truly believe that in life we achieve that which we are willing to work for, those things which everyone tells us to stop dreaming or "get your head out of the clouds" those things which we dream but are often times not brave enough to jump over that chasm of self- doubt, sometimes that jump lands us on our face.
My obsession with being everything that I am currently not, fit, educated, sophisticated and thin was getting a little scary, I was beginning to contemplate things that were pretty scary like taking laxatives, I thought "Just for a few days, it can't be that bad right?" Just for the record yes, it is that bad. Tenacity though usually a good trait was not serving my best interest at this point, it was like I knew that the tried and true way was the best but it just didn't matter because I wanted to be someone else so incredibly bad, nothing else mattered.
Luckily (sort of) I injured my back at the gym during a Pinterest inspired cross-fit moment, I decided to hang upside down from some TRX straps and attempt crunches, I made it to one when I felt something shift in my back, it didn't hurt at first but on Thanksgiving morning I could barely move. I was dependent on other people for almost every thing, reaching, bending, pick things up off the floor. It was eye opening about how much my body did for me every day and here I was this whole time hating it for something I did to it, my body didn't get this way by itself and it certainly didn't happen overnight.
Something happened in the three weeks that I've been recovering I've had to closely and sometimes painfully explore the relationship I have with my body. I know so many of us have experienced this phenomenon which is why I'm sharing so you know that 1.) you're not alone 2.) you're not crazy and 3.) it does get better. I went through periods of complacency and then would have cycles of extreme self loathing, I hated looking in mirrors, so much so that I broke a compact in half because I squeezed it so hard while putting on makeup, I hated looking at me, more than that I hated looking at the me I had made myself and realizing how far away I was from being deemed "normal" or attractive by my own definitions.
The inability to work out was even worse, I had no outlet for this aggression so it turned inward and suddenly I was telling myself what a failure I was, what a terrible person for letting my life get so out of hand, for ending up this way. (As if my life is anywhere near over, I'm 28!) But then something wonderful happened, after filming the Holiday survival guide which precedes this post, I was editing the piece down, and I broke. Big was in the room with me and I just bawled my eyes out, this is how the conversation went:
Me: I'm disgusting, Look at me! I look like an elephant but not as cute in this video! It looks like my face was stung by killer bees!
Big: What? You look great and don't talk about my girlfriend that way
Me: I'm just so ugly and disgusting, I hate the way this looks, everyone will make fun of me
Big: You look totally cute and I love the way you look and I always have, I think the problem is that you know the way you want to look and you don't look the way you think you should but since we met you've always been the most beautiful woman in the room, everyone else kind of just fades out, sweetie you shine.
That's when it hit, I didn't look the way I wanted and I had been doing something about it, but I'd gone overboard and I was being unhealthy in my choices to the extreme, I think fate intervened to show me that although I'm not exactly who I want to be yet or where I want to be, I have the support, the tools and tenacity to get it done, just not overdone.
For all the Full Figured Fabulous females working on their fitness I commend you, it's not easy, it doesn't come soon enough and it requires a lot of tenacity. Don't let your own thought of who you should be cloud the vision of your current fabulousness.