Most of my adult life has been spent searching, sorting and sorrowing over the "One" that glorious mythical being of man who is generous, spiritual, ambitious, loving, understanding, loves his mother and is drop dead gorgeous, well after many trials and tribulations, I found him and he drives me f**ing nuts.
What the Cinderella story doesn't tell you is what happens after the glass slippers come off. When you have to deal with roommates, laundry, fiancial woes and the titan of all issues closet space. When we moved in together, I couldn't believe the itty bitty tiny closet I would be forced to wait for it.... share with Big. I know horrendous right? My Ruby Roxy dresses having to share space with his cotton poly blend work shirts, a travesty dahling. I basically took over the closet relegating his clothes to about a foot of space for his shirts, jackets and ties, which is his basic uniform du jour. Even now I think about my obi belted shirt dresses wrinkling from the pressure and I cringe.
It can't be helped, we're stuck living in the tiny 10x10 room I've taken to calling "the foxhole" until the end of Septemeber. I'm all for standing by your man but what do you do when the two of your can barely stand in the same space? Or where is the playbook on what to do when your sigficant other just won't throw away holey socks? Or when they insist of being optimisic though the situtation is dire.
Yesterday I had a breakdown, business is slow, I don't go back to work for another week and bills are piling up, I was upset angry at myself at both of us for letting this happen. "We are too damn old for this!" I said. I was tired of being bottled up, of being confined to our current socioeconomic status, I was damn tired of being a stay at home girlfriend. "I haven't been shopping in more than a month!" I cried and literally shed tears. Then I saw it, the look of guilt and understanding at the same time in his eyes. I got angry and scared at the exact same moment, I knew it, I'd revealed the depths of my shallow pettiness and now it was over. I was expecting some kind of lecture on maturity or even some angry tirade but all I got was a hug and a promise that "things will get better."
I was taken aback, for all of my life I've been able to depend only on myself. It seemed like the only thing I knew for sure was that other people would let me down, and that it was all up to me in the end. That'd been my identity for so long that to actually believe someone when they say "it'll be okay" is extremely difficult fo me, if I'm not the one orchestrating the "okayness".
For the first time in my life here was someone that loved me, wanted to make me happy and it was physically painful for him to see me otherwise. Truth is I had a hard time believing not that he had the ability to make things better but that he wanted to do it for me. When I was searching for "the One" none of the others ever a candle to Big. No one had ever treated me with more than passive contempt, let alone ever expressed any desire to make me happy or secure in the world. Here was Big asking me to believe in something I'd never seen before, like asking a starving man to believe he was invited to Thanksgiving, it just didn't compute, until he wrapped his arms around me kissed me and went back to his home office to do exactly what he'd just said make everything all right.
He still insists on keeping the holey socks, but now I just sneek them into the trash and sneak new ones in, he is still eternally optimistc about the future and I keep one eye on the sky looking for the storm. He still drives me nuts but all those things seems to melt away when he wraps his arms around me. He is not perfect, he is however everything I've ever wanted. To all single women everywhere, keep looking and remember you never know when you'll find something or someone who is the next Big thing in your life.
Until later lovelies,