Skip to main content
So it's about 90 degrees here in central california and about 10pm. I'm losing myself in my sugar free fudgsicle, the new Marie Claire and old reruns of Sex and the City. I had a blow out with my boyfriend today, he said something that drove me absolutely crazy. He said "that's not good enough." What I heard was "You're not good enough." I hung up and turned off my phone. I was so furious I cried until I feel asleep. Most of my life I have felt not good enough.

My child hood was spent wondering what was so wrong with me that my biological father couldn't spend an hour with my brother and I without complaining about how expensive we were. He was constantly reminding us how the county would garnish his wages because my mother had taken him to court for child support. I was 10, I didn't have the emotional maturity to understand that this was completely inappropriate behavior on his part, all I knew was that it left me with an emptiness, a self hatred that I couldn't understand or even name.

This emptiness, this void is something that would follow me for the rest of my life. It would take several emotional and physically absuive relationships later for me to recognize that this void, this "not enoughness" was causing me to seek out any and all male approval no matter how small or how unworthy the giver. I had convinced myself that I was inherently bad, flawed, unwanted. I think this is where my relationship with food took a turn for the worse, food did not tell me that I was too expensive or fat, or that I didn't look right. A cookie never looked back at me and said "do you really think you should eat me?" Brownies never held up a sign that said "more cardio".  But all the men in my life did, no matter how smart or funny, or politically aware I became it was never enough, I couldn't be the thin, pretty girl that I desperately wanted to be. I tried everything, I threw up, I tried not eating for days at a time, I would work out like a crazy person, drink only water for days but no matter what I did, I always ended up back with my old friends, pizza and root beer.

Today I stood up for myself, not just now but that little girl who couldn't. I demanded the respect and understanding that she never got, I explained to Mr. Big that those words for me were loaded, they would send me running because when you've opened yourself up to someone what they say matters. What he thinks matters to me because I love him, respect him and with him I feel safe. When he uttered those thoughtless words it was like a slap in the face to everything we had worked for as a couple. When I finally turned my phone back on, he called and realized the damage he'd done and apologized.

Several years later, I am much healthier both physically and emotionally. I've accepted that I might never be a size 2, but I can work on myself one day at a time, I will never be perfect but now I understand that I'm fabulous and I always have been, and just because someone else couldn't see it, doesn't make it any less true. I am short, chubby, beautiful, funny and definitely better than "good enough"
Until next time my lovlies
CGINTW

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Overcoming the "I'm too fat for this."

I have not been posting lately due to many reasons, I'm back in school, I'm working full time again and I've been stuck in a depressive cycle in which I overeat, condemn myself for being a glutton tell myself I'll never amount to anything and then overeat again to make myself feel better. Wow, that sound really crazy when I say it like that. But so many women I know have told me the go through exactly the same thing. We lie awake at night thinking about all the terrible things we did to our bodies that day. I had McDonalds and Taco Bell all in the same day; word to the wise don't do this.

Tomorrow I have to go out networking, normally this is a chance for me to increase our connections or strengthen ones we already have and hopefully broker us more deals in the process but really it's about relationship building and frankly I've been pretty terrible at it lately. Why has my performance decreased so drastically? Because I don't think I deserve to be ther…

Plus Size Business Casual- How to do it right!

Becoming a Fashion Grown up-Chubby Girl In the World Style

Ok, I'll admit it I'm getting old, on Dec. 7th of this year I will be 29! (Silent freak out). What's worse is I'm now a grown up with an early not mid-twenties closet. I feel like I've outgrown the major retailers and need to move on, I'm ready for a more mature fashion relationship but I have fashion issues.
 My key fashion issues:

Short leg, longer torsoBottom heavy in all the wrong placeswhat I call "marshmallow syndrome"- If clothes are too tight, it looks like I'm a sausage, if too loose they not shape at all. So does any of this sound familiar? Here's the advice that has actually worked for me over the years and if I had unlimited funds this is the wardrobe I would create, I' a size 28 which is considered "super sized" so for the sake of argument I'll include designers that stop at size 26 but note them with an asterisk*. Nothing is worse than reading a that one page of Marie Claire dedicated to Plus fashion and realizin…