Skip to main content
So it's about 90 degrees here in central california and about 10pm. I'm losing myself in my sugar free fudgsicle, the new Marie Claire and old reruns of Sex and the City. I had a blow out with my boyfriend today, he said something that drove me absolutely crazy. He said "that's not good enough." What I heard was "You're not good enough." I hung up and turned off my phone. I was so furious I cried until I feel asleep. Most of my life I have felt not good enough.

My child hood was spent wondering what was so wrong with me that my biological father couldn't spend an hour with my brother and I without complaining about how expensive we were. He was constantly reminding us how the county would garnish his wages because my mother had taken him to court for child support. I was 10, I didn't have the emotional maturity to understand that this was completely inappropriate behavior on his part, all I knew was that it left me with an emptiness, a self hatred that I couldn't understand or even name.

This emptiness, this void is something that would follow me for the rest of my life. It would take several emotional and physically absuive relationships later for me to recognize that this void, this "not enoughness" was causing me to seek out any and all male approval no matter how small or how unworthy the giver. I had convinced myself that I was inherently bad, flawed, unwanted. I think this is where my relationship with food took a turn for the worse, food did not tell me that I was too expensive or fat, or that I didn't look right. A cookie never looked back at me and said "do you really think you should eat me?" Brownies never held up a sign that said "more cardio".  But all the men in my life did, no matter how smart or funny, or politically aware I became it was never enough, I couldn't be the thin, pretty girl that I desperately wanted to be. I tried everything, I threw up, I tried not eating for days at a time, I would work out like a crazy person, drink only water for days but no matter what I did, I always ended up back with my old friends, pizza and root beer.

Today I stood up for myself, not just now but that little girl who couldn't. I demanded the respect and understanding that she never got, I explained to Mr. Big that those words for me were loaded, they would send me running because when you've opened yourself up to someone what they say matters. What he thinks matters to me because I love him, respect him and with him I feel safe. When he uttered those thoughtless words it was like a slap in the face to everything we had worked for as a couple. When I finally turned my phone back on, he called and realized the damage he'd done and apologized.

Several years later, I am much healthier both physically and emotionally. I've accepted that I might never be a size 2, but I can work on myself one day at a time, I will never be perfect but now I understand that I'm fabulous and I always have been, and just because someone else couldn't see it, doesn't make it any less true. I am short, chubby, beautiful, funny and definitely better than "good enough"
Until next time my lovlies


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Winter is coming...

So my fiance and I are obsessed with Game of Thrones. We love Danny, hate Jofferey and yes I read the f@uking books! So winter is here, I've been snowed in for three days here in Wilsonville,OR with one of the largest snow storms to hit the area since 1996. So in order to keep from getting cabin fever I've decided to share with you lovlies the pieces which I'm currently coveting from Igigi and a new source I found called Navbi (much more expensive, think Nordstroms for plus sizes).  I also wanted to make you aware (as if you didn't know) how awesome some modcloth stuff is. I just purchased the travel day skirt on sale for 14.99, we do love a bargain.

Things drool worthy from Igigi:

Zola Dress $118 I imagine mysels as Reese witherspoon in this dress, cute, quirky and loveable.
garnet dress in black, perfect for office or cocktails. I imagine the model as a Bond girl, with a thigh holster and .22 tucked inside her dress.
Cadence Dress $118.
I think I could take over the wor…

Overcoming the "I'm too fat for this."

I have not been posting lately due to many reasons, I'm back in school, I'm working full time again and I've been stuck in a depressive cycle in which I overeat, condemn myself for being a glutton tell myself I'll never amount to anything and then overeat again to make myself feel better. Wow, that sound really crazy when I say it like that. But so many women I know have told me the go through exactly the same thing. We lie awake at night thinking about all the terrible things we did to our bodies that day. I had McDonalds and Taco Bell all in the same day; word to the wise don't do this.

Tomorrow I have to go out networking, normally this is a chance for me to increase our connections or strengthen ones we already have and hopefully broker us more deals in the process but really it's about relationship building and frankly I've been pretty terrible at it lately. Why has my performance decreased so drastically? Because I don't think I deserve to be ther…

Shout out to local businesses!- Please support local and homegrown plus size friendly business in your area! This is the Portland edition

If you're in Portland Metro area do not miss out on going to two shops one in Northwest called Fat Fancy which has killer vintage and new styles for the plus size retro princesses out there and in the Southeast there is Savvy Plus run by the beautiful and awesome Gaya (I'm not sure if I spelled that right! Someone please correct me if I'm wrong).

Fat Fancy- great for both men and women and the funky little shop is right in the heart of downtown Portland so it's a great destination if you're on the Northwest side of town and wanna do some shopping. My favorite piece I got there is the amazing graphic crop top I use over camis. The girls who work here are amazing at making you feel comfortable and helping you find exactly what you're looking for.

Savvy-Plus has been and will continue to be my first destination when shopping for casual and career wear. I went in yesterday and was so excited about all the new things, the inventory is constantly changing so go in at…