Saturday, May 12, 2012

So it's about 90 degrees here in central california and about 10pm. I'm losing myself in my sugar free fudgsicle, the new Marie Claire and old reruns of Sex and the City. I had a blow out with my boyfriend today, he said something that drove me absolutely crazy. He said "that's not good enough." What I heard was "You're not good enough." I hung up and turned off my phone. I was so furious I cried until I feel asleep. Most of my life I have felt not good enough.

My child hood was spent wondering what was so wrong with me that my biological father couldn't spend an hour with my brother and I without complaining about how expensive we were. He was constantly reminding us how the county would garnish his wages because my mother had taken him to court for child support. I was 10, I didn't have the emotional maturity to understand that this was completely inappropriate behavior on his part, all I knew was that it left me with an emptiness, a self hatred that I couldn't understand or even name.

This emptiness, this void is something that would follow me for the rest of my life. It would take several emotional and physically absuive relationships later for me to recognize that this void, this "not enoughness" was causing me to seek out any and all male approval no matter how small or how unworthy the giver. I had convinced myself that I was inherently bad, flawed, unwanted. I think this is where my relationship with food took a turn for the worse, food did not tell me that I was too expensive or fat, or that I didn't look right. A cookie never looked back at me and said "do you really think you should eat me?" Brownies never held up a sign that said "more cardio".  But all the men in my life did, no matter how smart or funny, or politically aware I became it was never enough, I couldn't be the thin, pretty girl that I desperately wanted to be. I tried everything, I threw up, I tried not eating for days at a time, I would work out like a crazy person, drink only water for days but no matter what I did, I always ended up back with my old friends, pizza and root beer.

Today I stood up for myself, not just now but that little girl who couldn't. I demanded the respect and understanding that she never got, I explained to Mr. Big that those words for me were loaded, they would send me running because when you've opened yourself up to someone what they say matters. What he thinks matters to me because I love him, respect him and with him I feel safe. When he uttered those thoughtless words it was like a slap in the face to everything we had worked for as a couple. When I finally turned my phone back on, he called and realized the damage he'd done and apologized.

Several years later, I am much healthier both physically and emotionally. I've accepted that I might never be a size 2, but I can work on myself one day at a time, I will never be perfect but now I understand that I'm fabulous and I always have been, and just because someone else couldn't see it, doesn't make it any less true. I am short, chubby, beautiful, funny and definitely better than "good enough"
Until next time my lovlies
CGINTW

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