So I think it's normal for designers to compete for our attention and dollars as consumers because well there are so many of them and they all want to be successful; but I realized something today I have been in a secret competition not just with myself but other women. I didn't realize this until tonight, my boyfriend took me to this amazing restaurant for our anniversary, it was beautiful and the food was delicious, but when he stepped out for a moment to go get something from the car, I realized I was comparing myself to all the women in the room, "am I smaller than her?" "do I look that bad?" "I wish I had her legs".
Not only was I being bitchy to myself, I was secretly loving the fact that I was better looking than some of them, I was in this weirdo tournament of "let's see who's hotter". When my eyes fell on the table of some highschoolers at their pre-prom dinner, my stomach turned and I realized I was not going to win this round, not an ounce of fat on any of them. "But wait, I said, I'm older more sophisticated and well I can order wine." It's like all of a sudden I had to give myself more points for the things I could not compete with, like long legs or 28" waists. I knew I was doing this but I couldn't stop myself and as I was in this mindset, every look, every question seemed offensive. I almost blew my lid when the waitress asked if the table she sat us at was squishing me, I think my eyes almost popped out of my head, when all the poor woman was trying to do was make me comfortable!
I walked in there knowing I looked good, the gold dress I wore shining, my Nine West pumps blood red and precariously tall, every single person we met that day told me how nice I looked but as soon I started comparing and contrasting myself to other people my self-esteem plummeted. All of this happened in mere minutes, then my boyfriend came back and the way he looked at me, like I was the only one in the room, like no one else existed brought me back. I realized that to him, no one could compete with me, no one else was on his mind. He held my hand all through dinner and we laughed and talked and even rubbed noses, it was disgustingly cute. In this more sane state of mind I realized how crazy I was being earlier, how insane it was to think that I should have to "win" a room.
It took someone else to think highly of me to pull me out of this one, and where I wish I could say I hadn't needed it, that I had just called on some Wonder Woman sized store of confidence and realized how good not only I was but that every woman in that room was, it did take someone else to shake me out of my bitchy sport. Next time though, I'm going to try and remember that life is not a competition between women, the best women work in concert, complimenting, leading, and inspiring others. I am by no means perfect, and mistakes will be made. All I can do is to try and make every day count, to work towards what I want and need and leave the judgement of myself and others behind.