Sunday, March 20, 2011

Voted Most likely to be....something?

My whole life people have told me I have great potential, what this actually meant or what they thought this meant I'm not sure, but I do know I have not lived up to my own expectations.  Case in point
 My Five year old self:
Goals: be a doctor, a princess and a mommy all by 30 (very old to my 5 year old self)
My 10-15 year old self:
Goals: Being a doctor was too hard, so I moved on to wanting to be the first woman President

My 18-24 year old Self:

I decided being the President was a pretty hard gig so I settled on becoming a paralegal and aspiring attorney, thought I'd be married by 22, done with law school by 25 and having my first child by 26

Here's what actually happened: I dropped out of high school to help support a boyfriend at the time who was in trouble, he was living in his car at the time and was in desperate need for shelter and someone who wasn't quite as needy as him. This relationship languished on for over 3 years and then I moved on to even more self destructive pastures, survived (literally) a toxic addiction to men who behave badly and then tucked my tail between my legs  and headed home, I have been hiding ever since. Hiding from the fact that all my dreams, all my notions of who I am have been put on hold. I didn't know who I was before this and right now I feel as though I've been left behind in the "self discovery" phase of things. I thought by my mid-twenties I would be confident in who I am, and what I want but it seems the more I look at myself the more questions I have.
 Is there an expiration date on becoming who you're meant to be? Is there a point where it's just too late to meet your destiny of being....something?


Monday, February 28, 2011

The Vegan Vendetta and my addiction to pizza

So I've recently started a weight loss program, it went wonderfully for the first three weeks, then life got in the way. Ok so life didn't so much get in the way as much as my love for pepperoni with extra cheese did. I have gained back 2 of the 11 pounds I lost, which I'm kinda bummed out about but here's why this time around is different. Today I ate left over pizza and didn't go to the gym, normally this would induce horrible guilt ridden feelings in me, driving me to seek comfort in chocolate and old Sex and the City episodes. (I'm a Carrie btw, in case you were wondering) but today, instead of moping around, feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into an early grave, I came home had a sensible dinner with my folks and we read from that "Eat to Live" book on the Nook I got my mom for Christmas. I think the trick to success this time around is to not have that all or nothing attitude, just because I didn't feel like going to work out doesn't mean all the other stuff goes out the window it sounds simple but we all know those feelings, unless you're a genetically gifted person aka freak of nature; you know what it's like to diet and exercise to lose weight.

So many times I have tried to loose weight and failed, I've done every pill, fad diet, and dangerous thing you can think of and then some. It's strange to think that when I was dating a toxic, mean spirited person who always told me to lose weight, I ended up in inevitably gaining more! Now that I'm in supportive, healthy and loving relationship, I don't feel the pressure to lose weight but it just seems to happen. My parents started a semi-vegan diet and my mom has cut her dialysis time by 30%, being surrounded by people who have the same goals you do is more than helpful.  I'm no where near bikini ready yet, but I know in a few months I'll be well on my way to being healthy. Here's to every other chubby girl in the world, past, present and future, remember you make your own paths in this world, it's up to you to decide what you're made of.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Unforseen Consequences

Last night Mr. Big did not answer his phone, normally this is not any occasion for my ire, but last night I felt restless, like the night was out there waiting for me and I just couldn't tell it no. I had been planning to check out a few local spots to play host to Girls Night Out for some of me and the other girls who work in my local salt mine, a friend text me to let me know about some "great band" that was playing at the local watering hole called the "Graduate" upon walking into this family restaurant/bar combo you realize that yes almost everyone in the place just graduated, I felt like Mrs. Robinson and I am 26. There were the vestiges of the dinner crowd even at 11pm, there was no band to be found, apparently I was about two hours too late to enjoy what I'm sure would have been a very rousing time according to the barkeep who with usual generation Xer non-zeal informed me had preceded my arrival. I decided since I was there I should make the best of it, alone and in a strange land I did what any intrepid fabulous woman would do, I ordered a cosmo. After an entirely too long wait, the bartender greeted me with a pina colda glass infected with a maraschino cherry and ice, that's when I realized I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

I was surrounded by out of order video game machines, truly kitschy decor and couples who looked as if they met at a Sadie Hawkins dance, and even those who I knew were quite my senior did not seem to act it. There was a woman on the end of the bar who I can only assume was impersonating Kat Von D, the unsober years. This is direct quote "I have worked at that strip club for 10 years and have driven home drunk almost every night, that's like 10,000 time I haven't been pulled over." I had such a hard time not correcting her math, but I digress. I am not one to judge and I do have to add to this woman's credit, she did have a designated driver that night. I was just getting ready to leave when a woman with spiky short hair walked in with a shirt that read SL,UT (Salt Lake, Utah) I thought it was quite clever, you can see the twit pic in our new widget below the headline. She was a bartender and another aspiring writer,and a very amiable lady. I hope she sends me some of her writing, I'd love to have her as a contributor to my act of vanity aka this blog as I believe we are currently at 3 readers including me. One of the Graduate's best qualities is that for some reason or another it attracts real people, not the "i'm wearing (insert designer here) worship me" type. It attracts working people, families and couples who are comfortable enough with each other to share a meal without the fancy trimmings. So if you're tired of the overbearing club scene and in for a dose of real time, down home, watching a guy sing along to the juke box using his beer bottle as a mic, this is the perfect place. It's just what I needed last night (except for the cosmo) next time I'll stick to the 10 different beers on tap. I had not had much to drink, less than half my ill fated cosmo and was feeling noshy, I decided to stop at Jack in the box for a late night craving for moz sticks, extra marinara thank you very much. I got home without much fanfare, and easily settled into bed and watched old sex in the city episodes until I fell asleep.

Everything this morning was normal, breakfast, dishes, light reading, gossip column on yahoo. Then my parental units walked out the door to do errands and promptly called for me to come outside, I thought something was wrong with my mom and I immediately felt the panic jump into my throat. I rushed outside, everyone seemed unharmed. "Did you get into an accident last night?" My mother asked me suspiciously. "No, why?" as I looked where she was looking, my entire back windshield was broken, a very large hole where my perfectly good windshield had been. " I just went to Jack and the box and came home after the bar, nothing was wrong." I said still not understanding how this could happen, my imagination conjuring up miscreants playing baseball with my only vehicle and mode of transportation.

My hear sunk, I had just bought this car from a friend of a friend out right in cash, it was mine, after being without a car for a whole year. Then my dad found the beer bottle on our lawn. Some inconsiderate jerk had thrown out his beer bottle from the driver window and hit the back of my car, of all the cars on our street it had to hit mine. I would never wish ill on anyone, but if anyone has a comeuppance it's the man three doors down who NEVER walks his dog and is mean to kids on Halloween. I felt so violated, so miserable and under insured my car insurance only covered liability damages and now the it won't be repaired until next weekend which mean an entire week with no car. I wonder if once the bottle wielding culprit sobered up this morning if he realized all the unforeseen consequences of his actions, like me not being able to take my mother to her doctors appointments, or me having to get up two hours early every morning to go to work, or how now I won't be able to pay Visa this month, because that $500 has been reallocated to deal with his mistake.

It got me thinking, how often do we stop and assess what we are doing, how many time have you not left a tip, left a hotel room a little too messy or done some other bourgeoisie irritating thing we all do? All those little things we do in life must have domino effects on those people who depend on the most and think about the least. Has the press of hard time grown our hearts jaded to the plight of others? Have we become a nation of people who just don't give a damn about our fellow man?