Wednesday, May 5, 2010

According to me you don't matter any more

This is not for you, the one who hurt me, betrayed me, beat down my soul, no this is for me, this is for the anger, the pain, the sorrow you've caused, it is the requiem of all of those things for after this, I will leave them and never think of them or you again. I've spent so much time in darkness, so much time wasted believing you, all the horrible things you told me, all the time wishing I could make you better, hoping some how we would get through it. I did nothing to deserve the torture you meted out, and loved you, trusted you even though you gave me no cause or reason to do either.

After the bruises healed, and the doctors told me my injuries were "relatively minor" I took me and my broken ribs home, I looked around at the wreckage that had become my life with you. I decided that it had been enough, that I had given enough to you. I left everything, wanted nothing from you and like always that is exactly what I received, you never once even tried to find out if I was okay, though I knew you wouldn't it still came as a shock. I had truly believed that you loved me and just didn't know how to show it, I had believed the lies you'd told me, the truth was like an icy cold shower, sudden, and heart stopping.

I cried for weeks, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. At first I thought it was because I missed what I thought I'd had. Slowly I began to realize that I was crying for the me who had lost her way, I had become someone unrecognizable to myself. I wasn't the happy, determined girl who left home, I looked beaten down, defeated and just plain sad. A couple of times, the pain was just too much and it was so easy to take one more drink, take one more pill and to know it would all disappear. Luckily I have people in my life who care too much about me to let me end up like you. Your story is truly a sad one and though you've endured many unfortunate circumstances yourself, you have yet to learn how to overcome them.

But this is not for you, this is for me and for anyone else who the story sounds all too familiar. It is something we don't talk about in "polite" society. This for anyone who has ever been hurt, mistreated, abused or other wise emotionally malnourished by someone. Today is the day, you say good bye to all those bad thoughts, to all the insults, to all the negative talk, today is the day we let go and drop it by the way side, it was never ours to carry and it is time we gave it back. I've started an entirely new life, with new love and old friends and I don't miss you at all. In fact, you are nothing but a foot note in my story.
Here's to new beginnings,
CGITW

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